I'm going to jail i love you
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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