all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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