hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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