ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
