Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
