I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
