Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
