so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
