My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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