Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So many bounce houses so little time
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
