i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
