I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
