Pants 0. Shit 1.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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