Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He felt like a one man threesome
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Randomize
