I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
