sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
