what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize