There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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