I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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