i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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