Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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