im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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