the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize