Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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