In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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