On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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