i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
