Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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