but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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