last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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