she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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