My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
