i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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