I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
