I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
