So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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