i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
