I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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