Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
