everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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