Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
bring money and cleavage
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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