Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
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