When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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