Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
