You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
