i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I could make wine with my vomit
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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