I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
