just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
