You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
