I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
