last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
