You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
