After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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