So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
