When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
