Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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