im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
