Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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