Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I need moral support for this bender
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
