May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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