There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I still have a little drunk in my system
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
