last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
