So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
