Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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