i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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