I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
