she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
