I cut my penus on the lid.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize