I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
