Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
